Source : Marry me, Islamically – Taaiebah Ebrahim
“Most of us have a primal craving to be truly known by someone before we die, to build a deeply committed relationship based on honesty, trust, self-disclosure, respect, appreciation, interdependence, and togetherness..” Aptly put! We yearn to be understood and loved for who we really are, that our better halves would see US as their better half – quirks & flaws included – especially when we’re in our weakened, less than what is deemed a defaulted average self. ESPECIALLY then.
Sh Navaid Aziz’s ‘Marry Me, Islamically’ talk makes mention of useful guides to the spouse hungry halves seeking direction to navigate their way towards their compatible other.
Some tips were combobulated by yours truly from the likes of Shaykhs: Navaid Aziz, Muaadth Allie, Allie Goder, in hopes that it aids in your search for theee one. Or for the males…theee one…of potentially four.
- Focus on Deen and Character first. Walk into marriage with a sense of direction, using Islam as your foundation.
- Look for someone that will be supportive of your Halaal goals.
- Choose compatibility over looks / age / other material gunk. Don’t make the irrational trade of your life over a pretty face, a fancy car, or the other superficial fluff that can easily go up in smoke.
- Aim for someone a tad more spiritual than you.
- Don’t settle on low standards – instead, set them realistically high. Draw up a list of your must-haves and bonuses. Allah finds that companion for you, so don’t look too hard. Pray hard.
- Don’t look for a hero/ine to ‘save’ you. A spouse should add to an already good life. Fix yourself, get your priorities in order, leave your baggage at the airport on purpose. They’ll think it’s a bomb and dispose of it.
- Know that relationships with the opposite sex, apart from being Haraam, also rock the marriage boat – be it just-a-colleague, cousin, so-and-so’s-wifey-or-hubby. Understand who you’re allowed to interact with in terms of the opposite gender.
- Emulate what you want. To attain greatness, you must be deserving of it.
- Figure out your love language. Take it away Oprah & Dr Phil! Google is your friend.
- Watch, read, listen…do your homework on your obligations as a husband / wife.
- Educate yourself on ‘the wedding night’.
- Marriage makes the family circle bigger, so it would be a logical step to meet with and (for the least part) like your potential extended family.
How to get hooked up?
- Ask someone that knows someone! Good leads would be a Shaykh, Mualima, teacher, trusted family members, friends, the animal kingdom, etc. Make it known that you’re in the market and readily accepting applications.
- Flush your fear of rejection down the loo and keep your eyes peeled like bananas! Allah may only allow him or her to cross your path once, so think of it as now or never, all or nothing, win or lose, chicken or beef, fight over flight!
Please note that a 3rd party needs to be present in meeting your potential spouse.
Objectives of Marriage:
1. Companionship (No brainer)
2. Procreation (Continuing the legacy of the Prophet SAW)
3. Physical pleasure – by fulfilling your desires in a halaal way, you get rewarded in this world and the next. A win-win situation
4. To unite people – two families should join forces to build a cornerstone in society.
Topics of discussion on the first meeting:
1. Religion – Use your spidey senses and assess your potential spouse’s spiritual levels.
2. Discuss thoughts on balancing religion, family, friends, couple, work and alone-time.
3. Finance – Understand that a lady’s money is her own – and discuss your individual maintenance costs to gain a clearer perspective of needs & desires.
4. Children. Yes, no, maybe? How soon and how would they be raised (nanny’s, home/public schooling, etc.)?
5. Discuss how you wish to increase your Islamic education together.
6. Plans for future – discuss your long and short term goals for the next 5-10 years.
7. Be open about your good and bad habits. Video game addict, chain smoker, gymming fanatic, etc.
8. Health. Now would be the ideal time to mention if you have cooties. Discuss any diseases, defects and conditions you have.
9. Relationship expectations with in-laws and extended family?
10. Living arrangements? VIVA SA or move overseas? Robben Island is not overseas, no.
11. Polygamy needs to be discussed.
12. Ultimate vision for your family – what’s the plan to get to Jannah together? What are your plans to make this world a better place?
- Don’t compromise too much when filtering the world for your spouse before marriage. Compromise aftermarriage.
- Think of your potential spouse as a cake The cake itself is the substance and what is vital. The icing is the ‘tang’. It’s nice to have a cake with icing, but the focus is on the cake. If you don’t have a sweet tooth, then think of it as a braaied piece of steak. The ‘tang’ is the marinade for crying out loud. You follow the analogy.
- Gentlemen, please have purpose and direction in your life. Today’s men are still in the boy zone from being overly pampered by their moms. Don’t expect your wife to be a maid nor your mother. And realise that girl power is for the spice girls. Women are meant to be provided for by their men, and not vice versa.
- Ladies, men generally want a wife that is good looking – not necessarily looking like a model, but one that takes care of herself physically. And a good cook – if all else fails, there’s always Nandos.
- Both men and women need to be responsible in executing their obligations in the marriage. Focus on your own role, as opposed to what your spouse owes you. Go the extra mile and research what’s deemed ‘optional, and awesome’, and what’s dubbed ‘optional, but not-so-awesome’.
“A man will learn to love a woman he is attracted to and a woman will learn to find attractive whom she loves” Shaykh Navaid Aziz probably quoting someone else. Let’s just say Confucious said this one. He’s the default guy right.
Good YouTube watches:
The Healthy Marriage – by Nouman Ali Khan
Boys & Girls – A Love Story – Q&A – by Abu Eesa Niamatullah
Baba Ali (owner of Halfourdeen.com) offers entertaining clips in understanding the opposite sex for the looking-to-be, and already married folks.