I just love this article by sister Sadaf Farooqi. It’s a good reminder to especially the Muslim youth today who have messed up their lives and wondering why everything wrong is happening with them(and when I say this I am talking about the teenagers or otherwise who are in a haraam relationship). This article should answer all their questions!! Here’s an excerpt from it .. For the entire article, Click Here.
Pre- and extra-marital relationships embody illusions that cause nothing but pain
The heart is the seat of desires. If one becomes slave to their desires, the result is nothing but chronic disappointment, distress and anguish.
The generations in the past hundred years have grown up on a steady diet of illusory love songs, romance novels and cheesy films with unbelievably happy endings. Guy and girl meet, feel the vibes of attraction, spend time together, perhaps even commit passionate, spur-of-the-moment adultery (اَعُوذُ بِاللهِ), then proceed to throw caution to the winds, listen to their hearts, follow their desires, clobber their opponents, break all taboos, pursue their dreams, blah blah….(you can insert any typical, cheese-coated cliches here), to ride/run off into the horizon holding hands as the world looks on in shock and the film credits roll.
What these stories, which are cooked up by writers and brought to us by media, do, is that they play around with our youthful desires and make us dream about such a Utopian romance even more.
Consequently, when real life slaps us in the face, we feel shattered, helpless and broken inside.
Take the case of “Bisma” and “Bilal” (not their real names). They belonged to different ethnic and religious communities (I hope you’ll understand what I mean here). Despite knowing (the expected repercussions of) that, they started spending more and more time together on campus. Eventually, Bilal told her about his feelings for her and very soon after that, she told him that she felt the same way. They continued to meet without letting their parents know of their relationship, which had now been ‘sealed’ or made “official” by their declarations of (so-called) “love”.
Eventually, Bisma started going out with him on dates to cafes and restaurants from campus, without her parents knowledge. Here I’d like to point out that even though neither prayed salah (note to the “stop-judging-them-you-self-righteous-fundo!” police: please don’t start clawing me just yet for saying this, I will explain below why I mentioned this point), they both had noble intentions – of getting married.
She had previously claimed that she would never go out on dates as it was “wrong” in her eyes and an action that her “conservative” family would never approve of; however, she eventually slipped. His lustful stares, flattering compliments about her looks, and heart-melting, persevering proclamations of love for her made her finally relent.
Big chunks of cheese – I know. But its this cheese most girls go for.
Lapping up paperback after paperback of Mills-&-Boon-type nonsense that sets their hearts aflutter and imagination running wild, one can only wonder what effect actual expressions of romantic feelings and husky-voiced, mushy dialogue would have on them!
Anyway, what happened next is no surprise: they started getting physical, albeit staying well away from adultery.
Bisma started ignoring her friends because Mr Whats-his-name was very possessive and a tad controlling; he’d go into a rage if she even so much as went out anywhere with her classmates, both guys and girls, without inviting him there too. He, of course, could go out anywhere he wanted with his numerous girl and guy buddies. Double standards all the way, but the glittery stars in Bisma’s eyes seemed to blind her to the glaring reality and the truth.
Despite repeated hints that eventually became outright requests from Bisma to him, he refused to tell his parents about their relationship, even though he now had a job, was over 21 in age, and earning a steady income.
As is the case in most such relationships, the cover was eventually blown when Bisma received a proposal that her parents didn’t want to turn down. It was only then that Mr Whats-his-name Bilal rushed to do some desperate damage control by asking his mother to call up Bisma’s mother with a marriage proposal, but it was too late. The other guy who was proposing came from an extremely wealthy family, and that clinched the deal for Bisma’s parents.
A slap from her father, a family confrontation, an argument, incessant tears, grief, sorrow – everything that could be expected from such a situation – followed. Grounded from talking to anyone on the phone and from going out anywhere, except college, she would cry at the drop of a hat – for hours.
I remember how appalled I was, though, when I once heard her say tearfully, “Why did God do this to me? Why did he show me what true love is like, only to take it all away?”
Uh, since when does “God” show uswhat this so-called “true love” is like? Has He not disallowed us from getting into such relationships? Any average Muslim knows that. Or is this a wrong belief on my part?
Plus, as I keep telling single ladies who ask me for advice, if he really “loves” you – really – as he claims to, he will try to marry you as soon as possible. Even if he is not working, even if he has older unmarried sibling(s), and even if he is from a different community. He will not wait around until the final bell to get up as a last resort and do something to marry you.
Plus, if a child is already getting his candy from the candy machine for free, why will he endeavor to pay for it? Eh? Get what I mean?
Even if all of mankind, collectively, stopped praying salah and deliberately disobeyed all of Allah’s commands, we could still not dare to “blame” God by attributing lies such as, “Why did He do this to me?”, to Him.
We disobey His commands first, refuse to prostrate before Him when He calls us five times a day, follow our desires, do things that He has forbidden, and then when we get hurt – extremely, horribly, terribly hurt – as a result of our transgressions of His limits, we dare to turn around and say that He did this to us?
Bisma got engaged to the new Mr Whats-his-name even though she had love for another man still throbbing in her heart. With her parents’ full permission, she started talking to her fiance every day on the phone and going out with him on dates.
Within a few months, she had forgotten about Bilal and was in love with her fiance and – I seek refuge from Allah – had already started being physical with him too, when they went out at night in his car or when he made out with her in the drawing room of her parents’ house, the door to which was kept shut during his visits by her parents themselves. Her mother counseled her a lot during this phase of “switching” her unsuitable “lover” with another, family-approved one, urging her to bond with her fiance in order to forget her ex-boyfriend.
Bisma and Bilal are among hundreds of thousands of single people who got badly hurt because they ventured into the trappings of an illusive, transitory romantic relationship that, though it gave temporary joy to their hearts because of the exhilarative fulfillment of their base desires, nevertheless left deep marks of regret and pain etched firmly in their psyche, emotions and life history.
How often do you see middle-aged or elderly people express regret over their past escapades and liaisons? How often do parents fret that their sons and daughters will tread the same path that they themselves traversed as careless youths; actions that they sorely regret even decades after the flower of their youth has faded and drooped?
Today, Bisma and Bilal are happily married to their spouses. Incidentally, they knew the people who are now their spouses even when they were involved with each other. If marriage to these other two people was decreed for them already, perhaps all the pain could have been avoided by not allowing themselves to get lured into a pre-marital relationship at all?
More importantly, Allah’s disobedience and transgression of His limits would also have been avoided – if only more caution was practiced – and the mutual attraction that got stirred when they casually hung out together, was quelled from the start?
P.S. The lines highlighted in red are my personal favourite. Especially the first line.